I don't think I expected it to be like this, though. Don't get me wrong, I knew it would be bad (I mean, I'd take Lockdown 1.0 and the nice weather any day) but I didn't think I'd find it this bad.
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| Image courtesy of United Nations. |
The lack of social interaction is killing me. I haven't seen my friends properly since October (apart from a quick Christmas present exchange with Lauren and meeting her for 20 minutes on the park on New Years Eve) and it breaks my heart. My friends were the people to really get me through last year, which was really tough for various reasons, and I genuinely don't know how I'd have managed without them. To go from them being my absolute rocks (and pretty much moving in with Lauren and her family in the summer) to having not seen them in months is wild. It's like jumping from one extreme to the other, and it's so incredibly hard. Come on, humans are social creatures - we need that social interaction to survive. Without it, I think terrible things can happen. Mental health is so important and, for me, not having that social interaction takes a huge toll. I hate it.
I'm working from home, in a new job, having never met my colleagues. It's hard - I'm having to learn everything and get to grips with the job role, while feeling like I'm annoying everyone with my (probably) stupid questions. We have weekly catch ups and calls to chat which is so nice, but it's just not the same as being with people in an office. I feel like I don't know anyone, and there's only so much you can learn about people, or share about yourself virtually. I'm so conscious of the fact that I'm not typically one to just share everything about myself instantly anyway, but I feel like that's only going to make me look worse in a remote working world - I find myself thinking 'what if they don't like me?', 'am I annoying them?' etc. on a regular basis; it's like some kind of weird insecurity that probably only comes from the major lack of human interaction we've had over the last year. But then I also find myself thinking how weird it'll be when (and if) we do get to go back to the office (or, in my case, just to the office) at some point - will it be awkward because we've worked together for so long but never met? Yes, obviously it will. What if they don't like me when they have to spend more time with me? What if they don't think I'm as good at my job as I should be? It's scary. I'm scared that it'll get to the point where I won't even want to meet people in person because it's been that long, and it'll just be bizarre.
Don't get me wrong, I'm so incredibly lucky to have a job during this pandemic - and I realise that. I really am counting my blessings that I'm employed, doing a job role that I actually do really like, and gaining such great experience at the same time. I know that so many people are in worse situations than me, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard. Besides the mental side of things, physically, working from home takes a huge toll. I've struggled with back pain for a while now and it really started to get quite bad when I was working at Boots before Christmas, but has only gotten worse since. I am in so much pain all the time that I genuinely don't know what to do. I struggle to find a comfortable position to sit in during the day (and working at the living room table because I don't have a desk doesn't help) and can't get comfortable in bed either because I'm in so much pain. Oh, and I need to crack all the bones in my body about 15 times a day (especially my neck) - I genuinely am convinced I need to see a chiropractor. This, coupled with having terrible headaches everyday from staring at screens and trying to force myself to focus, also means I really find it hard to concentrate... and then I'm constantly questioning if my work is good enough.
Work aside, illness is really not helping. When I say I don't remember the last time I actually felt well, it's not an exaggeration. I have never felt so run-down in my whole life. My back pain and daily headaches aside, I've struggled with recurring tonsillitis for a couple of years now - I seem to get it every couple of months and have had it three times since November. It honestly feels like a form of torture, it's like my body knows I'm starting to feel alright again and then BAM my tonsillitis comes back. If I had one wish, I think I'd genuinely wish to get my tonsils out - I mean, my doctor says I'm close to this point anyway but it's a procedure that they like to avoid if possible.
I feel tired all the time - like I have no energy. I've been falling asleep between 9 and 10pm every night and waking up at 8am so I'm getting enough sleep, but I feel shattered constantly. I'm yawning all day, my eyes are twitchy and achey and I feel like a walking zombie all the time. I thought I was maybe getting too much sleep so tried to readjust my sleeping schedule to see, but found myself wanting to take naps during the day (which, by the way, is not normal for me). And then, when I do sleep, I have bizarre dreams - I have a recurring dream where a plane crashes into my back garden, and a common dream theme of mine is that I always seem to end up dead at the end. And last night I dreamt that all my teeth fell out - traumatic.
And don't even get me started on my lack of motivation... oh my goodness, there's literally none. At all. I get up, I go to work (aka go to the living room table), I eat my dinner and I go to my room, where I'll probably watch tv and then go to bed. I literally just do not have the energy or motivation to do anything else. And, to be completely honest, I'm not really inspired to do anything else. It's cold, and dark, and miserable outside so I don't really fancy going for a run or a walk, I want to do some home workouts but I literally have no room in the house to do them - I have the box room in the house so there's no floor space, and every other area in the house is being taken up by either furniture or people. I just feel rough, and unhealthy - it's at a point now that it's not just being fed up or tired, it's run-down and quite frankly miserable. I don't even have the energy or motivation to get properly dressed or do my make up anymore (both things that I'd normally take pride in and genuinely enjoy) - I spend most days in joggers and a jumper, and will only stick a bit of mascara on and fill in my eyebrows slightly - I feel like a slob. And I feel ugly.
I feel like I'm in a rut, but I don't know how to snap out of it. If we don't have an end to the lockdown (which, of course, is necessary in order to tackle the pandemic), then there's no sight of when we might get *some* of our life back. It feels like years since the days of the 10pm curfew and rule of six, it feels like decades since pre-covid life - so much so that I'm not even convinced I really remember what it was like. To put it bluntly: it's really shit.
I hate to use my blog as a place of negativity but, as I've said a hundred times before, it's become a place of conversation and like a diary for myself - somewhere I can just chat my shit and pretend that nobody will see it (even though, sometimes to my surprise, people actually do read it). I've been at some really low points in the past couple of years, and one of the most important things that I've learnt is that you need to talk about it. Mental health is so important, and it's no good to keep everything inside and to yourself - it's a conversation that we need to have. So, while this post might seem like a big old moan, this is me getting some of my feelings out. I don't know how I'm going to tackle these feelings and get myself back on track, but I do know that I won't be the only person feeling this way so if just one person sees this and relates to it in some way and realises that they're not alone in how they're feeling, then that's a good thing. Because you're not alone. It's a bit rich coming from me, because I'm the worst person for talking about how I feel and usually will avoid speaking to people about it (in my defence, though, I do tend to blog about it and get it out that way) but speaking to people about your feelings and struggles is so important.
Please, if you are struggling, speak to someone. My DMs are always open and I'm happy to chat, or just listen. And here are some useful resources and numbers if you need them:
NHS list of mental health helplines/organisations for a more comprehensive source
Samaritans - or call 116 123 for free
And, on that note, I think all that's left to say is let's hope that this doesn't go on for too much longer. And you (and I) have got this. We can get through it. It's so tough but it'll all be worth it in the end. Just remember, we're in this together - you are not the only person struggling, even though it may feel like you are.
PS - I have not, and will not, be proof-reading this post because, quite frankly, I think it's so important to keep it raw and honest for topics like this. So like, sorry for any typos or anything but also I'm not sorry at all. Take care everyone and don't put too much pressure on yourselves.
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