*trying* to talk about my feelings

Just a warning - major rambly post, with pretty much zero proof reading so apologies in advance, but I'm also really not sorry because I really just wanted to get it all out

2018 Jodie and pure happiness :)

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? If you'd have asked me that a year or two ago, I'm pretty sure my answer would've been my nose. Now? My answer would be more emotional. And I don't know exactly how to phrase it but I guess it's a confidence thing, in a way.

Now, don't get me wrong, I would say I'm a pretty confident person. I honestly don't really care what people think of me. I'll wear what I want, I'll do what I want and I'll speak my mind (to an extent). I could go into a room and speak to pretty much anyone. And I like who I am. In the grand scheme of things, I am confident. But narrow in a little and the cracks start to show. It's when you really try to dig deep and get to know (or re-know) me that you'll see where things change. I'm ridiculously guarded and I really struggle to talk about my feelings. Opinions? Yep, I'll throw them at you left right and centre, but feelings and my innermost thoughts? It's probably never going to happen. 

A conversation I recently had got me thinking - and, although I didn't say it in the moment, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. The thing is, I've not always been like this but I think I can genuinely pin-point where it all began to change for me. Let's rewind about three years, I was in my first year of university (well, almost finishing first year) and honestly I was thriving. I was doing amazing things at uni, had some of the best friends and genuinely loving life. The summer came around and it was one of the best times of my life - the memories I made that summer are some of my favourite memories of all time and I genuinely look back at it with such love and nostalgia.

Towards the end of the summer, I met someone and it was great (ultimately short-lived, but great nonetheless) and I was so okay with being me. I think that year was the first that I really was ready to just throw myself into things and be completely me - and I was confident in myself and my feelings. I had no issues with talking about how I felt and I had no problem making it clear how I felt about him. I think it was a bit like word vomit, actually. I liked him, and I used to just come out and say it - no hesitation. Maybe a bit of internal cringe and embarrassment but that didn't stop me from saying it and letting him know. Like I said, ultimately that situation was short-lived and, when it ended, I was upset but it didn't stop me living my life. I just picked myself up and moved on, with no real loss of positivity or self-confidence. 

After moving back to uni for second year, I had a couple of weeks of moping around (you know, as you do - especially when you don't really want to be back at uni anyway) and then got back onto the dating wagon. I went through a phase of speaking to a lot of boys (honestly, looking back, I don't even know how I kept up with them all) and went on dates with a couple of them but nothing really stuck. Again, still very confident in myself - and it was me that had the control. If I wasn't feeling it, it didn't stick and we'd either end up as friends or just fizzle out. I knew how I should be treated, and the respect I deserve - and I wasn't going to settle for being treated like a mug. 

I was talking to one boy - we'll call him T - and it was going really well for a while; we spoke all the time, we had good banter and got on incredibly well to the point that we'd end up falling asleep on the phone to eachother most nights (current Jodie feels sick with cringe writing that, haha). And then, one day, T started being a bit weird with me. The banter would turn from being banter to being actually quite rude and kind of insulting. I went from being beautiful to having a shit fringe and him telling me I wasn't good enough and I was punching with him (author's note - I was certainly not punching). Honestly, instead of getting upset by it, I was pissed. And in my head, I was like: how can someone just flip like that? I don't deserve to be spoken to, or about, like that. I deserve more respect than that. And, looking back, I'm so glad I had that reaction because comments like that could had a huge effect on someone. For me, it was a laugh - and a new recurring joke with my friends about my shit fringe (which, by the way, I no longer have). It goes without saying that T and I stopped seeing each other. In fact, we had a huge argument and didn't speak until five months later when he slid into my DMs to apologise - which I appreciated. 

So T was gone. And I was moving along, I met someone who turned into one of the most amazing friends I could ever wish for. We never had any romantic situation but a genuinely beautiful friendship was born - and that friendship made me learn so much about myself and had such an incredible impact on my life. I kind of abandoned the dating scene for a bit at that point and vowed to focus on myself. I came home for Christmas and had such a lovely time with my family and friends, and went back to uni with a positive attitude. And then, I met someone new. 

He was from home so there was a distance while I was at university which, looking back, probably didn't help at all, but he was amazing. It was kind of like 'shit, I actually like this boy' and I wasn't looking for it. We connected so well and, at one point, I probably would've done anything for him. So you can imagine it started off well - and it stayed that way for a couple of months. And then cracks started showing. I liked him a lot, and he supposedly liked me. But the boy had his demons (and that's not his fault at all) and I don't think he knew how to deal with them so it turned into him ghosting me, picking me up and dropping me whenever he wanted, ignoring me, being obsessed one day and super distant the next. The situation became very on and off, and probably quite toxic at times. I lost count of the times I'd end up crying about him on nights out, or even going on nights out with him for him to just completely blank me the entire time. The constant wishy-washy-ness of it all made me doubt myself. I no longer felt confident, I didn't even feel pretty. In my eyes, I wasn't good enough for anyone. And it ruined me. And the worst bit of it was that I'd go back every single time. My friends would tell me that he wasn't worth it and he was treating me badly but for nine months I went back to him every time. And every time it ended in tears - quite literally; I even remember sobbing my eyes out about him at a Take That gig - how embarrassing. 

I really lost myself in that nine months. I went from someone who was confident and happy in herself and proud to talk about how she felt and proud to say to people 'yeah I like you, I have feelings for you' to someone who doubted everything about herself and had zero self confidence. I turned to alcohol a lot during that time too (which, bad idea in itself - I mean, helloooo alcohol is a depressant, people!) which ultimately made everything worse. It was genuinely the lowest point of my life and I'm not blaming him at all. The boy is still someone I'll always care for, and he deserves the most happiness but he had his own issues to deal with and, unfortunately, I was the collateral damage - and it really took a toll on me. And that's something that's stayed with me. 

I've not really had anything going on in my love life since. There've been a couple of situations - one which I will literally refuse to write about on my blog, and one where it simply didn't work out. And I know that my unwillingness to open up has been a huge factor in them. Let's talk about situation number two - a boy from uni (well not uni but uni city). We instantly clicked and he was lovely. He was someone who actually restored my faith in the male population for a while and he was actually fairly successful in getting me to open up to him. But I'm an over thinker. And he really helped me with that, I felt comfortable with him and confident in what we 'had'. Until he started being really off with me.... next thing you know he's got a girlfriend. Soooo my overthinking was actually my gut telling me what was really going on, and he was just a liar when he said it was only me. I was annoyed but took the attitude of just shaking it off and moving on. But it definitely did not help the confidence and faith in myself - it was like 'oh great, another instance of not being good enough'. His loss though, right? And I'm weirdly happy for him - he clearly found what he wanted so good on him. Me? I'll take the L and move on. 

What I've realised is that it's okay to have emotional scars and borderline trauma from certain situations and people but it's so important to not let that define you, or change you. You're literally perfect the way you are, and your happiness is all that should matter. I wish I could go back to myself two years ago and tell her that she didn't deserve to be treated like that. But, ultimately, it happened and I'm me now because of it. I really struggle to talk about my feelings. I struggle to open up. And I can be in the most intimate situation with someone and my guard will still be up. I'm scared - I don't know if I'm scared of rejection, scared of history repeating itself or just scared of putting myself out there again. All I know is that it terrifies me. I know exactly what I want to say to someone but I just cannot bring myself to do it. And I really think that it ruins things that could genuinely be amazing. I wish I wasn't such a wimp. I wish I had the same confidence in talking about my feelings as I do when I argue for things I care about. I wish I could just suck it up and say to that boy I like 'you know what, I do like you - and I think we should give it a go'. But it's shit scary, and I don't know how to do it. 

So it's a work in progress. It's important to be okay with how you feel, and to be okay with expressing how you feel - and I know that. I just need to work on getting my confidence back with it. I want to have that same attitude that summer 2018 Jodie had. I wanna be able to say 'fuck it, this is how I feel'. And I'll get there eventually, but I need to start and take the plunge - even if it makes me feel sick with nerves.