This year has been rough; there's no denying that. And, if you've ever read my blog before, you'll probably know that. I started the year in a really bad place - I was struggling with uni and being in London, and everything that comes with both of those things. I'd had a wonderful Christmas break and just didn't want to go back to the shit that was inevitably waiting for me in London. And, for the first few months of the year, I really hated a lot of aspects in my life. My friendships were all over the place (especially at uni), my living situation wasn't good and it felt like I had a lot going on but, at the same time, I always found time to kind of get lost in my own thoughts and, honestly, that was never a good thing. I've never cried as much in my life as I did for the first four and a half months of this year.
It was strange because, in some ways, things were great. My friends at home were amazing and I felt so happy with the people around me, I was talking to a boy who was really lovely and I was doing really well work-wise at university (probably because I poured so much energy into my work as a distraction how bad I was feeling mentally).
The first half of the year seems like literally years ago - I struggle to comprehend the fact that, at this moment, it's not even a year since then. I've never felt so low in my whole life than I did at that point - it was awful. I can remember calling my parents at 1am one night in hysterical tears - as in couldn't even breathe - because everything had got so bad for me. I don't want to go into the various reasons because, not only do I feel like I'm in a much better place now, I also don't really want the whole world to know the details of the worst time of my life. But, even though the first five or six months of 2019 were terrible in so many ways, I also did a fair amount of really great things - here are some of my highlights:
- SO. MANY. GIGS. I saw The Wombats, Kaiser Cheifs, Only The Poets, LANY, Zak Abel, Take That, Catfish and the Bottlemen and The Vamps all during the first five months of the year.
- I really put maximum effort into my uni work, and managed to finish second year with a first - something I was really proud of (especially my marks on my fashion journalism module).
- New York. I went to New York (aka one of my favourite places in the world) at the end of March and participated in a model UN conference. It was really interesting and having the opportunity to go back to New York was wonderful - especially with one of my besties.
- My internship!! I did two weeks on the fashion desk at one of the UK's biggest newspapers and loved every minute of it.
- France; I spent almost three weeks in France with my family in June and, although it was definitely a learning experience in terms of spending that much time with the same people (especially when you don't normally live together), it was so much fun - and I came back with the best tan of my life... so that's a winner.
Moving onto the second half of the year, one thing's for sure: I was much happier. The summer was great for me - I was back at my old paralegal job and I kind of got a few new friends and solidified my friendship group with a group of people who I now consider my best friends and some of my favourite people on earth. I've never felt more comfortable or myself with a group of friends like I do with these people, and it's cringey, I know, but I'm so incredibly grateful to have met them and for them to be in my life.
So Summer on the whole was wonderful - good friends, good weather, good times. And a few bad times; the boy situation officially ended and a kind of ex situation popped up again and left me straight-up confused. But, all in all, a good time.
September came along and it was time to leave my job and head back down to London for final year. I'd moved out of the hell house I'd been living in for second year in May and had moved back into halls for third year, living with my best friend, Derrian. We've had a few flatmate problems but, again, it's been pretty good otherwise.
My friendships at university have also changed this year. Some friendships ended, some got revived, some were new - but all for good reason. Derrian, Emma and Alysia are still - and will always be - my favourite people at university, and probably my favourite people in life. They're people I wouldn't have been able to get through the past two and a half years without, and for that I'm so grateful.
The ex situation was ongoing from probably September until mid-December. He's someone that I'm always going to be a little bit bothered about - at the end of the day, we got on well and I think he's lovely. But, ultimately, it didn't go anywhere and, if I'm completely honest, I don't think it ever will - and that's a good thing. We're not the same people we were when we first met (especially me) and we're not necessarily on the same page nowadays; but I think he has misconceptions about me and how I feel or felt. Perhaps a bit of a superiority complex - a bit of an ego (probably partly fuelled by me). And that's fine. We don't have anything to do with each other now but I genuinely think it's a good thing. Something I've learnt over the course of the year is how important it is to know your worth - I'm not going to stand for being spoken to or treated like shit; and if that means blocking someone, no matter the history, I'll do it. Not upset, not sad, not even angry - just over it.
So being back at uni had been a bit difficult for me in this semester - partly due to missing my friends, partly due to the boy thing (it's hard when you wanna see someone but you're away), partly due to the intensity and stress of third year and partly due to being ill. It was kind of all over the place; but not always in a bad way.
Now? I'm back at my paralegal job for the Christmas break, kind of drowning in the amount of uni work I have to do over the holidays on top of actual work, I'm skint and always cold. But I'm happy. I'm happy to be with my friends and to have a group of friends that I so genuinely adore and I'm happy in myself - I'm taking the opportunity to have a new attitude: if you don't like me, it doesn't matter to me, as long as I'm okay with myself. And it's going well. Things may not have gone so well this year but you know what? We made it through. It's the end of 2019 - the end of the decade - and, yes, I've changed a lot during the year but that's not a bad thing.
We're all good.
And it's all good to have your down days (or years, for me) - as long as you come out of it at the end.
You're worth it and you need to do what's best for YOU.
2019, you've been horrendous. But you've taught me a lot about myself. And that's something I'll forever be grateful for. So goodbye. And good-fucking-riddance.
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