If you've read any of my life update kind of posts this year, you'll already know that I've not had a good year. I've said it a few times, over the course of the year but, in all honesty, people are not lying when they say that second year is a hundred times more intense than first year. I've never been one to suffer from any mental health issues but, this year has been the first time I've felt 'unstable'; I've been an emotional wreck, and I've felt down far too many times to count. And it's not been the sad, 'I'm just having a bad day' kind of down feeling - it's been not wanting to get out of bed, having this awful feeling in my stomach, feeling empty so to speak. I don't know how to describe it - it's just been awful. And I think it's because of a combination of things.
In September, I'd been seeing a boy for a bit and whatever that situation was ended the night before I moved back to university. Not exactly great timing, and it kind of started my year off in a bit of a shitty way - I was a little bit of a mess for a while (primarily because I just didn't want to be back at uni) but it was alright. My friends got me through it - and perhaps a bit of a reliance on alcohol.
Things kind of improved for a while and then I went through a bit of a period where I was really busy with uni work, and things in my living situation were not going well - I started to realise how unhappy I was in the house in probably late October, but didn't mention it to anyone (mistake number one) because I was convinced it was just a phase. So, for context, my room is the smallest in the house, it has a bad damp problem, and doesn't have an actual window - it's kind of depressing, to say the least. It's dull and miserable, and I genuinely think it's one of the reasons that I've felt so down for the year. But it's not just the room - it was the housemates, too. Don't get me wrong, they're all lovely people but, to be completely honest, I don't think I'd want to live with any of them ever again. It's one thing having different habits and ways of doing things - it's another when it becomes disrespectful. I live with four other people, and they were all friends before I met them - I only met three of them because of being friends with Niamh so for me, all along, it felt like I was an outsider and it was a very 'them and us' kind of situation. And I'm still convinced that they don't like me - it's things like not saying hello to me, using my things and not saying thank you, making noise in the utility room (which echoes into my room) at 4am when they know I'm asleep, having a separate group chat and generally not acknowledging my existence. It gets to a point where it drives you insane. And, for me, it got to a point where I didn't even want to make an effort with them - I couldn't care less anymore. Ignore me all you want, I just can't wait to move out and get away from you people.
Living situations aside, the work was really intense - especially towards the end of the first semester. We had a magazine project and, as art director, the majority of that responsibility at that time landed on myself. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed the role but I don't think I've ever been so stressed in my life - I wasn't sleeping, I had dreams about InDesign - it was wild. But I've also never been so proud of completing a project in my life. Second semester felt a little easier in terms of work load, which is strange - there was more work, but it was all individual assignments that felt well spaced out (besides the very final week where I had five deadlines on one day). I've done pretty well on the majority of my assessments for the year (I'm still waiting for some marks) so I'm really proud of that, especially to say how low some of my lows have been.
Friendships this year have been a weird one. There are some friends that have always been my friends at university and, no matter what, those people will always be my friends - they're lovely humans who, despite how differently I live my life to them, never judge me and are always the most supportive people in the world. Other friends have come and gone. There are some people that are good for you, until you realise how bad they are for you. The people that should be lifting you up don't always do that and, honestly, if you feel in your gut that someone isn't good for you, chances are that you're probably right. It's okay to cut people off if you feel like you need to - I have done this, and there'll be more of this, I'm sure. But, at the same time, it's sometimes hard to navigate certain situations - there's an appropriate time to do it, and sometimes that means waiting it out. Bad friendships aside, there have been friends that I've made that I wouldn't change for the world - Derrian, for example, is honestly like my soul sister. Having only met her in September, it feels like I've known her for a lifetime, and honestly would not change her for anything - we're like the same person, and I'm so happy to have met her; a true friend for life.
All in all, second year has been a rough one. I can't lie about that. From personal issues and boy problems (we're kind of on a major boy problem currently, actually) to housing drama and friendships falling apart, it feels like I've been through it all this year. I can't count the amount of times that I've debated dropping out of university (which, obviously, would've been a huge mistake for me, seeing how much I still love my course) and moving home. I've spent the majority of my money on train tickets and have probably spent 90% of weekends during second semester at home - because it's the only place I've felt happy and like myself.
But, on a positive note, I've done myself proud in terms of my university work and managed to snag myself a work experience placement (which I'm currently on) at one of the biggest publications in the country. I went to New York and completed a CWMUN conference - something I never thought I'd do. I've made friends for life and, finally, the end is in sight. I'm moving out of this awful house on June 1st and it can't come soon enough. I'm excited to move home for the summer, to spend time with my family and friends, to go on holiday, to (hopefully) get back to my old job and then to start third year in September with a positive outlook. I'm moving back to halls (who'd ever think that would've happened?) and actually moving in with Derrian so not only will I have a window(!!!) but I'll also have a good friend, too. And I can't wait. All I want is to make my final year at university - in education, mind you - the best it can be, and I'm hoping that I've managed to put myself in good stead to do that.
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